Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. - Bernard Bailey In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wright Don't take life too seriously; it isn't permanent. When life knocks you down. Get up When life knocks you down again. That sucks Folks in glass empires shouldn't fly drones. Cut the green wire. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out. -Thomas Cardinal Wolsey [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ GLENDOWER : I can call spirits from the vasty deep. HOTSPUR : Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? —I Henry IV If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions. This Version of The Wheel, It's Shinier The Tao of math: The numbers you can count are not the real numbers. Life is complex, with real and imaginary parts. [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. -- R. D. Laing Repeat after me, we are all individuals. Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES! Collect call from Cthulhu, do you accept the charges? You're only jealous cos the little penguins are talking to me. Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye. // TODO: write funny sig here Sig? What if I prefer Glock? "Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change." "Man's inhumanity to man is not only perpetrated by the vitriolic actions of those who are bad. It is also perpetrated by the vitiating inaction of those who are good." -- Martin Luther King Jr. "What right did they have?" said Capt.Yossarian "Catch-22." said the old woman "What?" Yossarian froze in his tracks with fear and alarm and felt his whole body begin to tingle. "What did you say?" "Catch-22," the old woman repeated, rocking her head up and down. "Catch-22. Catch-22 says they have a right to do anything we can't stop them from doing." "What the hell are you talking about?" Capt. Yossarian shouted at her in bewildered, furious protest. "Didn't they show it to you?" Yossarian demanded, stamping about in anger and distress. "Didn't you even make them read it?" They don't have to show us Catch-22," the old woman answered. "The law says they don't have to." "What law says they don't have to?" "Catch-22." The old woman said. Joseph Heller, Catch-22 "rupert, did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" "what? it really isn't? Oh Touche old chap!" There are two secrets to life: 1) Don't tell everything you know... Him not my excellent grammar to criticize I told. -- Angry Yoda [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ It's sad that a family can be torn apart by such a simple thing as a pack of wild dogs My Doctor says I have A.D.D... He just doesn't understand. It's not like... Hey! Look at that chicken! Mischief. Mayhem. Soap. My strength is as the strength of ten men, for I am wired to the eyeballs on espresso. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said: "I drank what?" - Chris Knight (Val Kilmer)- Real Genius "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use." -Galileo Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. From kid's Superman costume for Halloween (stitched into the cape's tag) -- "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly." That popping sound you hear is just a paradigm shifting without a clutch. "Fortunately, nature is a generous with its problems as Nobel was with his fortune. The more we know, the more we are aware of what we know not. Indeed, the most important product of knowledge is ignorance, I am happy to report that there is no evidence that we are running out of our most imortant resource---ignorance. How lucky for science. How lucky for scientists. And how lucky for the Nobel Foundation." David J. Gross Nobel Laureate Physics, 2004. "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." Benjamin Franklin. Love your country, but never trust its government. -- Robert A. Heinlein. "Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." – Mahatma Gandhi How can you be in two places at once when you're really nowhere at all? - Fireside Theatre I am the most humble person, EVER! When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, t hat the dunces are all in confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift Zen is total bullshit. When you realize that fact, you have mastered Zen. There is something wrong with a country where lying gets Martha Stewart sent to jail and George Bush re-elected. "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods. They kill us for their sport." - William Shakespeare, King Lear My friend the Angel climb'd up from his station into the mill; I remain'd alone, & then this appearance was no more, but I found myself sitting on a pleasant bank beside a river by moonlight, hearing a harper who sung to the harp; & his theme was: 'The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, & breeds reptiles of the mind.'" -William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven & Hell "We work in the dark, we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art." - Henry James, The Middle Years The SCO method: open mouth, insert foot, pull trigger. Let's see, cats: Expect everyone else to do the hard work Fuck things up and cause damage through boredom Demand the best of everything without being willing to work for it Boss people around Fly into fits of rage Have short attention spans Spend 21 hours a day resting Is there any reason a cat shouldn't have an MBA? I don't hate the liberals. -- I don't hate the conservatives. -- I just hate all the idiots. "Look, Shiny Things!" is not a better business strategy than compatibility and reuse. "Lines of code don't matter as long as I'm not writing them." -- merlyn "one should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything" The original statement would be "Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate" with a translation of "plurality should not be posited without necessity." "Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." -- Dick Brandon Had I but time--As this fell Sergeant, Death Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you-- But let it be. (Hamlet, Act V Scene 2) "You have moved your mouse cursor to a new position on the screen. You must restart your computer for the change to take effect." "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to something that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." - Principal Anderson to Billy Madison "You need some facts to win in a court of law, thou doofus." - The Knights of Armonk (Translation by PJ) One of the main reasons the Roman Empire fell was because of the lack of the numeral '0'. This meant they were unable to terminate their C programmes correctly. "Stercus! Dixit Pooh. Eeyore, missilis lux navigii heffalumporum iaculas. Piglet, mecum ad cellae migratae secundae concurras." Winston Churchill: "Old words are good, short words are good, and old words when short are best." While you may want to follow Cicero's advice, " When the law is against you , argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, abuse the plaintif. " you might want to remember that he didn't die of old age. "I want to live 'till I die. No more. No less." - Eddie Izzard Q : Why did they called it Windows? A : Because as soon as you open it, all the bugs get in! "Endian little hate we" - VirtualPC development team "Diplomacy: the art of saying 'Nice doggy' until you can find a stick" - Wynn Catlin "Censeo Toto nos in Kansa esse decisse." - D. Gale "Round and round and round we spin. Feet of lead, Wings of tin." - Kurt Vonnegut "If I'm not here, I've gone out to find myself. If I return before I get back, please keep me here." Unknown. Laissez les bons temps rouler! "He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; he who dares not is a slave" - Wm. Drummond "Truly, if Te is strong in one, all one needs to do is sit on one's ass, and the corpse of one's enemy shall be carried past shortly." (seen on USENET) As for M$, the pitter-patter of little webbed penguin feet sounds like the pounding hooves of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Delendae sunt RIAA, MPAA et Windoze When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Only an idiot fights a war on two fronts. Only the heir to kingdom of idiots would fight a war on twelve fronts. Corollary to Clarke's Third Law: Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. Memories become legend, Legend fades to myth, and even myth is forgotten by the time that age comes again.-Robert Jordan Opinions expressed here are my employer's and not necessarily mine. # There is this special biologist word we use for 'stable'. # It is 'dead'. -- Jack Cohen "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers There are 4 boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order. Starting now. [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ The court ruled it legal to fuck the voters by running out the clock, and demonstrated how to do it. Me fail English? That's unpossible! For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. "For a list of the ways which technology has failed to improve our quality of life, press 3." Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved with melting snowballs. --Larry Wall "One World, one Web, one Program" - Microsoft promotional ad "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler Linux *is* user friendly. It's not idiot-friendly or fool-friendly! Not Copyright 2001, Blue Aardvark House. No rights reserved. Recursive: Adj. See Recursive. If the government wants us to respect the law, it should set a better example. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams "Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know." If I can see farther it is because I am surrounded by dwarves. NO! I will not fix your damn computer! Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist -- The Usual Suspects Programming is an art form that fights back [Newer above this line]________________________________________________________________________________________________ Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT"-Death "Oh yes sir But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them"-Albert/I @*** Baker's Law *** Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. The following sentence is true. The preceding sentence was false. Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Remember when "Truth, Justice, & the American Way" wasn't contradictory? "I don't take checks drawn from the Bank of Middle Earth". wtf is a sig ? Kaufmann's First Law: All following laws are true. Kaufmann's Second Law: All preceding laws are false. "The unexamined life is not worth living" -Socrates You should never take life too seriously - You'll never get out of it alive. Any and all spelling, grammar and logic errors are intentional so this post will blend seamlessly into the Internet .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._. ASCII art?? I thought it was a regular expression! Yes ma'am, you do have stupid written on your forhead." "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds..." —Ralph Waldo Emerson "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotamy." -- "Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware" Outcome and Intent Rarely Coincide John Milton ... 'If it come to prohibiting, there is not aught more likely to be prohibited than truth itself.'" "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off." -Stroustrup If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. Are we carved into stone, or just scratched in the sand, Waiting for the waves to come and reclaim the land? --Stone Roses The Future: Some assembly required; batteries not included "Pinky, you've left the lens cap of your mind on again." - The Brain "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -Hunter S. Thompson -- Politics is the entertainment branch of industry - Frank Zappa "Okay, who taught the cat how to type Ctrl Alt Delete?!?" One penguin says, "You look like you are wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin says, "How do you know I'm not?" Observe, reason, and experiment. (if you're too dumb, just pray) "We don't need no thought control" --Pink Floyd "Human Beings were created by water to carry it uphill." Loop, Endless (n): see Endless Loop. "There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives." "Free" as in "free 'undred quid" A computer without a microsoft Operating System is like a dog without bricks tied to its head. "Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie." - Dennis Miller then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel is just a freight train coming your way "`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'" -Douglas Adams, THHGTTG -- Win2k: "It's not so much that it's only 65,000 bugs, it's just that they stopped at 65,535 to prevent an overflow." - Mazel#Tov There are three types of people in the world; those who can count, and those who can't. ---- I've lost my faith in nihilism. "Subtle Mind control? why do html buttons say submit?? Dura lex, sed lex. The law is harsh, but it is the law. Microsoft sumus. Resistere inutile est "Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright He seemed like such a nice guy to his neighbors / Kept to himself and never bothered them with favors - Jefferson Airplane, "Assassin" > Ever wonder if there are others of Yoda's race, and if they speak the > same way? > > Oh, the horror. > > Imagine the yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler. > Yoda 1: Hello, Bill. > > Yoda 2: Morning, Hank. > > Yoda 1: Finish that proposal, you did? > > Yoda 2: Yes, finally. Quite a chore, it was. > > Yoda 1: That Henderson, he is a slave driver, eh? > > Yoda 2: Yes. To kick his ass I'd like. "There is no try, only do." > Asshole he is. "Wir müssen wissen; wir werden wissen" ("We must know; we shall know") Some people fall from grace. I prefer a running start... Come here. Little Penguin. -- IANAEG - I am not an elder god. You have to be trusted by the people you lie to ... Pink Floyd "There has grown in the minds of certain groups in this country the idea that just because a man or corporation has made a profit out of the public for a number of years, the government and the courts are charged with guaranteeing such a profit in the future, even in the face of changing circumstances and contrary to public interest. This strange doctrine is supported by neither statute or common law. Neither corporations or individuals have the right to come into court and ask that the clock of history be stopped, or turned back." -- Robert Heinlein "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." --Martin Luther King, Jr. "If ever time should come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced Patriots to prevent its ruin." --Samuel Adams "Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of State and corporate power." --Benito Mussolini "I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country." --Thomas Jefferson 1812 "I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavour to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed." --Abraham Lincoln 1865 The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to the point where it becomes stronger than the democratic state itself. That in its essence is fascism — ownership of government by an individual, by a group or any controlling private power." --President Franklin D. Roosevelt "The goal is to keep the bewildered herd bewildered. It’s unnecessary for them to trouble themselves with what’s happening in the world. In fact, it’s undesirable — if they see too much of reality they may set themselves to change it." --Noam Chomsky What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about? Field Artillery lends dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl. "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" - Voltaire ...and you will know me by the trail of dead kittens My Other Computer Is A Data General Nova III. "Use it up, Wear it out, Make it do - or do without" It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. "We don't have the user-centricity until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." Bill Gates Does it hurt when they shear your wool off? "Remember, the plural of 'moron' is 'focus group'." -- James A. Wolf Jesus died for sombody's sins, but not mine. -Patti Smith There is no reason, beyond choice, to remain unaware of the facts -- Noam Chomsky Let's try not to let fact interfere with our speculation here, OK? Software Engineering is Programming when you can't. -- E. W. Dijkstra "People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die." -- Jim Davidson on alt.folklore.urban -- The Schrodinger petshop is closed due to unforeseen circumstances Don't put your tongue in a socket. The taste of power is too refined for you. "Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." Salvor Hardin in Foundation God is real unless declared integer FROM THE DESK OF Dorothy Gale Auntie Em: Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog. Dorothy We don't need no Net Explorer We don't need no Thought control Wait! This isn't a Parachute, this is a Backpack! "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes." It's not pessimism if there is a worse option, it's not paranoia when they are and it's not cynicism when you're right. Progress versus Congress -- "Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10' radius takes full damage from the fireball" "Tomorrow or the next life, who knows which comes first?" Dalai Lama "History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme." Mark Twain Silly Luddite, Slashdot's for geeks. How do I convince my boss that the pointy hair guy is not the hero of the strip? HTML is as easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971 French Committee of Public Safety, US Office of Homeland Security.. What's the difference? If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you. This is my .sig. There are thousands more, but this one is mine. The world is run by idiots because they're more efficient than hamsters. I'm out of my mind right now, but feel free to leave a message..... ------ The only greater hazard to your liberty than n politicians is n+1 politicians. Why due eye knead too no how two spill win eye halve a spellchecker? If you can't hear yourself think, think louder. Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits will result in a 500 dollar fine. today is the (car (cdr)) of the rest of your life. The precise curvature of my smile and the the performance of my machine are directly proportional. -TB You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are. -- Colonel Adolphus Busch Be you Admins? nay, we are but lusers! sic transit biscuitus He's dim, Jed. "A false hypothesis is better than none at all. The fact that it is false does not matter so much. However, if it takes root, if it is generally assumed, if it becomes a kind of credo admitting no doubt or scrutiny--that is the real evil, one which has endured through the centuries." -Göthe Microsoft follow standards the same way fish follow migrating caribou Love bites, love bleeds, It's bringing me to my knees... "Can of worms? The can is open... the worms are everywhere." I've got a mind like a steel trap - it's got an animal's foot stuck in it. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Progress, far from consisting of change, depends upon retentiveness...Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to fulfil it. -George Santayana Enter any 47-digit prime number to continue. "I don't get it" is not an argument. A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. - "The trouble with the global village are all the global village idiots" - Paul Ginsparg Repeat after me, we are all individuals "I hate Cthulhu, Cthulhu hates me, I kill his cultists, He eats worlds for tea" "If you have four groups working on a compiler, you'll get a 4-pass compiler." - Conway's Law "In Googlis non est, ergo non est." - Anonymous Coward "I'm gonna f***ing kill you!" --Santa Claus "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war!" - Unknown The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke (1729–1797), Irish philosopher, statesman. Attributed. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing it's idiot. - unknown. Cats land on their feet. Toast lands jellyside down. A cat glued to some jelly toast will hover in quantum indecision.